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Beyond the Social Anxiety, Depression, hopelessness, cognitive rigidity, suicidality, possible social maturity developmental issues and the possibility of whether a Body Dysmorphic Disorder type issue is playing out for some of these men, there are a few other observations we can make.
These men are angry. They are angry with themselves (expressed as self hatred and depression), and with women. They are angry, in some cases, at the world. They maybe view themselves as being in a similar situation to the tortured one that the mythic figure Tantalus found himself in. Tantalus was punished by the gods by being immersed in water he could not drink, and being nearby a fruit tree whose boughs would blow away from his hand when he grasped at fruit. Tantalus was starving and thirsty in the midst of apparent plenty. Similarly, men with Small Penis Syndrome are surrounded by attractive women they can NEVER EVER EVER (so they think) hope to impress.
These men are distrustful. They do not trust that any woman would ever tell them the truth. If a women were to say, honestly, that she found them attractive and a good lover, they would think that she was lying to make them feel better. It is impossible in the mindset of some of these men to conceive of the idea that a woman could ever accept them. When acceptance is actually offered, it is so dissonant with this conviction that it is just dismissed as an obvious lie.
These men are focused almost entirely upon how to please a woman rather than how a woman could please them. This is consistent with the idea that Social Phobia (Social Anxiety Disorder) is present, and with the idea of inverted narcissism. More fundamentally, these men do not believe that they are or ever could be adequate sexually. They are sure that engaging in foreplay could somewhat gratify a woman but penetration will necessarily end in failure because their penis is not “big enough”. And, of course, they seem to believe that all women demand penetration; that it is not possible for women to have a satisfying sexual experience without penetration. This is, of course, not true as many women are perfectly capable of achieving orgasm manually/digitally.
There is no medical procedure that we know of that can reliably and safely enlarge a small penis. For us, as psychotherapists, the question becomes, “Given that I have this problem that cannot be fixed, what can I do to reduce its impact on myself so that I can live a happier life?”. Our thoughts about how to answer this question follow. While these suggestions are intended as useful aids to all men, they might be especially helpful to the men who are extremely angry, hopeless and depressed because they are convinced that they are not well enough endowed.
Identify and Correct Cognitive Distortions.
Cognitive therapy and appraisal theory have taught us that how we think about and judge situations causes and shapes our emotional reactions to those situations. We do not become anxious about a situation unless that situation feels threatening to us. Not all situations that feel threatening actually are, however. And not all threats are actually all that dangerous either. In the case of Small Penis Syndrome, it seems to us that there are common habits of thought and common beliefs frequently present that are not necessary and which make the situation more difficult and painful than it has to be. By identifying what those thought habits and beliefs are and taking steps to correct them, a fair amount of the pain and difficulty of this issue can likely be avoided.
The most important thought habits to watch out for are rigidity, over-certainty, and a tendency to over-generalize. As we’ve pointed out, men with Small Penis Syndrome tend to fixate on the idea that they are hopelessly inadequate, that all women will reject them, that all women are lying if they don’t reject them, etc. There is no room to move from this position, and yet these beliefs, in their rigid over-certainty simply cannot be true in all cases. No real work on cognitive biases and faulty beliefs can occur until these men become aware and accept that they might just be wrong in some cases.
It is important for men bothered by the size of their penis to identify and correct any distorted beliefs they may have regarding their small penis. An important first step is simply identifying whether one’s penis is actually small in the first place. Answering that question gets directly to the concept of reference points; that which you are comparing your penis against. There are two kinds of reference points that matter here; those that reflect the average penis size in the community (e.g., sampling distributions), and the honest acceptance of a person’s body by that person’s lover. In our estimation, the latter is far more important than the former. If someone cares for you and accepts you as you are, with all the imperfections that plague most human bodies, then it doesn’t matter so much how you stack up against other people.
Reference Points: Testimony versus Statistics:
In using reference points in deciding that one’s penis is small, there are at least two types of data you can compare yourself against. One is testimony from women and the other is statistical data (sampling distributions) derived from various research studies on this topic. By women’s testimony we mean stories and articles published by women in magazines and on the Internet and the like. We also mean women’s behavior (particularly rejecting behavior) that men may have encountered directly in the course of their lives. In the case of one example blog that was pointed out to us, a woman gushed about how much she enjoyed intercourse with men who have large penises and wrote about this pleasure in such a manner as to suggest that normally she lies about this to her partners and does not tell them the truth about her preferences.
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